Ryan_Cule
barça amor d mi alma
So Andy, we've always wanted to know. Do you ever regret not taking the Everton manager's job? Occasionally.
Occasionally? Yes ... occasionally. [Long pause]
But you've already got the best job in football ... Well although I do believe that I have been privileged to have had the best job in football for 20 years, I think if you're a football person, which I hope I am, there is still something inside me that would want to feel what Sir Alex Ferguson feels, what Arsène Wenger feels ...
Rage? [Laughs] Not necessarily, you know, I'd like to feel what Harry Redknapp must have felt when Portsmouth won the FA Cup. There's a part of me inside that wonders could I have ever achieved the things that those men have achieved. Could I have walked a team out at Wembley? Could I have won a European trophy? Could I have won ... whatever? But I can't stress enough that it's only occasionally.
You're quite good at moving red and blue discs around a magnetic board. Do you think handling actual footballers would be more tricky? Chalk and cheese, would be the answer to that.
Why? Ah well, red and blue disks don't answer back, for a start. They go exactly where you want them to go, when you want them to go there. Footballers don't, because they're human and they make mistakes. Red and blue disks aren't, so they don't.
Ah right. You see that's why you're a highly paid pundit and Small Talk isn't. Now people are going to say it's easy for you to criticise players from behind your magnetic board up on your lofty Sky perch. Not that Small Talk would, obviously. Of course they're going to say that. Talking about football is easy and nobody's ever lost a game of football on a tactics board, I realise that. But I do a lot of my assessments during games, when they're happening, so there's a massive difference between doing it on a board and in real life. Even people who've been relegated will say: "Well, I don't understand that. We had a fantastic session in the dressing room the other day, I told them exactly what I wanted them to do and they didn't do it."
So you're saying there's more to football management than, say, studying Inverting The Pyramid, by Jonathan Wilson? Football's about a lot more than knowing the game. It's about getting the best out of the players you have.
Have you ever finished watching a game featuring a team that was either so good or so inept that you stood behind your tactics board on live TV and thought "I have no idea what to say"? Well, what people don't understand is that a lot of the time the reason a team wins or loses a game is not about how much you know about the game or how good you are.
Eh? Well, an Olympian needs to peak once every four years and a tennis player or golfer needs to peak four times a year for the grand slams or majors, but a footballer has to peak twice a week, almost. Now that's hard and because of that footballers have bad days. So if a Premier League side is playing Barcelona in the Champions League, I'm hoping that Lionel Messi has a bad day. If everyone turns up and plays, it's very difficult to stop great players. But sometimes they have off-days, maybe because they've got a niggle and aren't feeling the best, or their missus has given them a rollocking before they left the house and they don't feel like playing. There's all these things that effect a football match that we're unaware of or never even think about.
Do you find it difficult to remain impartial during games? No.
Are you sure? I'm certain.
When your old club Wolves beat West Ham a few weeks ago, Small Talk got the impression that you were delighted. No, I've never had any problem remaining impartial. I was only delighted about that because Wolves were the best team by quite some distance and if I'm doing my job, I have to reflect that. But had West Ham done a job on Wolves, I would have been equally upbeat about their performance. I'm happy after a game if a team I'm involved with won, but during the game I try to be as impartial as possible.
But you must appreciate that there are supporters out there who think you're not. Oh, I'm certain of it!
What about in internationals? What if Scotland were playing? Well that's different. In the international arena, I think I'd be very entitled to be pro-Scottish. If it's a British side in Europe, it's the same. I want Arsenal to beat Barcelona, I want Manchester United to beat Bayern Munich, I want Chelsea to beat Inter.
But that's the classic case of the deluded commentator thinking everyone in the UK wants British sides to do well, which is nonsense. Is it? Why shouldn't we?
Because we hate them? Manchester City fans don't want to see United do well. Tottenham fans want to see Arsenal get crushed by Barcelona ... Well, I don't have feelings about those sides. I neither like nor dislike them. What I need to show the world is that the Premier League is the best league in the world, with the best players in the world and the best teams in the world. That's my job – to promote our league the best way I can.
But surely you can understand the points of view of those of us whose job isn't to promote the Premier League? Of course I know and understand there's a lot of Chelsea fans who would hate to see United win the Champions League, but I'm not a fan of those clubs and am totally impartial so I want them all to do well.
What do you do when you're not working? I play golf.
What's your handicap? Nine. I play a bit of tennis at home, but the sport that definitely gets the competitive juices flowing is golf. I also spend a lot of time at home because I've got a lovely home.
Would you be upset if England won the World Cup? No.
Ah, come on. Small Talk's not having that. You're from Scotland. No, I wouldn't be upset because again, it's a promotion of the league I work in. Upset's the wrong word.
What's the right word? Ehhh ... disappointed.
People will think you're toeing the Sky party line here. If I asked you the same question after you'd skulled 10 beers, would you answer differently. [Laughs] Maybe.
Speaking of pints ... what's your poison? Well, it depends. If I'm out for dinner I'll have a bottle of wine, red or white. If I'm out with the guys, I'll drink a few bottles of lager. I try to stay away from pints if I can and I rarely drink spirits.
Is that the voice of bitter experience Small Talk is hearing? Ah no, I just try to stay on the bottles, because I think pints are a bit too big and unwieldy, if you know what I mean.
Do you take much of an interest in what goes on in the world outside football? I do, yes. I have a lot of interests outside of football. There's a lot of time when I don't pick up the papers, certainly in the summer. I like to stay away from the back pages, stay away from football and stay away from voicing an opinion, because if I'm fed up with the sound of my own voice and my own opinions come May, then I'm sure the general public are as well. I always think it's nice to give people a break from me.
That's very considerate of you, we'll be off so. Goodbye Small Talk.
Occasionally? Yes ... occasionally. [Long pause]
But you've already got the best job in football ... Well although I do believe that I have been privileged to have had the best job in football for 20 years, I think if you're a football person, which I hope I am, there is still something inside me that would want to feel what Sir Alex Ferguson feels, what Arsène Wenger feels ...
Rage? [Laughs] Not necessarily, you know, I'd like to feel what Harry Redknapp must have felt when Portsmouth won the FA Cup. There's a part of me inside that wonders could I have ever achieved the things that those men have achieved. Could I have walked a team out at Wembley? Could I have won a European trophy? Could I have won ... whatever? But I can't stress enough that it's only occasionally.
You're quite good at moving red and blue discs around a magnetic board. Do you think handling actual footballers would be more tricky? Chalk and cheese, would be the answer to that.
Why? Ah well, red and blue disks don't answer back, for a start. They go exactly where you want them to go, when you want them to go there. Footballers don't, because they're human and they make mistakes. Red and blue disks aren't, so they don't.
Ah right. You see that's why you're a highly paid pundit and Small Talk isn't. Now people are going to say it's easy for you to criticise players from behind your magnetic board up on your lofty Sky perch. Not that Small Talk would, obviously. Of course they're going to say that. Talking about football is easy and nobody's ever lost a game of football on a tactics board, I realise that. But I do a lot of my assessments during games, when they're happening, so there's a massive difference between doing it on a board and in real life. Even people who've been relegated will say: "Well, I don't understand that. We had a fantastic session in the dressing room the other day, I told them exactly what I wanted them to do and they didn't do it."
So you're saying there's more to football management than, say, studying Inverting The Pyramid, by Jonathan Wilson? Football's about a lot more than knowing the game. It's about getting the best out of the players you have.
Have you ever finished watching a game featuring a team that was either so good or so inept that you stood behind your tactics board on live TV and thought "I have no idea what to say"? Well, what people don't understand is that a lot of the time the reason a team wins or loses a game is not about how much you know about the game or how good you are.
Eh? Well, an Olympian needs to peak once every four years and a tennis player or golfer needs to peak four times a year for the grand slams or majors, but a footballer has to peak twice a week, almost. Now that's hard and because of that footballers have bad days. So if a Premier League side is playing Barcelona in the Champions League, I'm hoping that Lionel Messi has a bad day. If everyone turns up and plays, it's very difficult to stop great players. But sometimes they have off-days, maybe because they've got a niggle and aren't feeling the best, or their missus has given them a rollocking before they left the house and they don't feel like playing. There's all these things that effect a football match that we're unaware of or never even think about.
Do you find it difficult to remain impartial during games? No.
Are you sure? I'm certain.
When your old club Wolves beat West Ham a few weeks ago, Small Talk got the impression that you were delighted. No, I've never had any problem remaining impartial. I was only delighted about that because Wolves were the best team by quite some distance and if I'm doing my job, I have to reflect that. But had West Ham done a job on Wolves, I would have been equally upbeat about their performance. I'm happy after a game if a team I'm involved with won, but during the game I try to be as impartial as possible.
But you must appreciate that there are supporters out there who think you're not. Oh, I'm certain of it!
What about in internationals? What if Scotland were playing? Well that's different. In the international arena, I think I'd be very entitled to be pro-Scottish. If it's a British side in Europe, it's the same. I want Arsenal to beat Barcelona, I want Manchester United to beat Bayern Munich, I want Chelsea to beat Inter.
But that's the classic case of the deluded commentator thinking everyone in the UK wants British sides to do well, which is nonsense. Is it? Why shouldn't we?
Because we hate them? Manchester City fans don't want to see United do well. Tottenham fans want to see Arsenal get crushed by Barcelona ... Well, I don't have feelings about those sides. I neither like nor dislike them. What I need to show the world is that the Premier League is the best league in the world, with the best players in the world and the best teams in the world. That's my job – to promote our league the best way I can.
But surely you can understand the points of view of those of us whose job isn't to promote the Premier League? Of course I know and understand there's a lot of Chelsea fans who would hate to see United win the Champions League, but I'm not a fan of those clubs and am totally impartial so I want them all to do well.
What do you do when you're not working? I play golf.
What's your handicap? Nine. I play a bit of tennis at home, but the sport that definitely gets the competitive juices flowing is golf. I also spend a lot of time at home because I've got a lovely home.
Would you be upset if England won the World Cup? No.
Ah, come on. Small Talk's not having that. You're from Scotland. No, I wouldn't be upset because again, it's a promotion of the league I work in. Upset's the wrong word.
What's the right word? Ehhh ... disappointed.
People will think you're toeing the Sky party line here. If I asked you the same question after you'd skulled 10 beers, would you answer differently. [Laughs] Maybe.
Speaking of pints ... what's your poison? Well, it depends. If I'm out for dinner I'll have a bottle of wine, red or white. If I'm out with the guys, I'll drink a few bottles of lager. I try to stay away from pints if I can and I rarely drink spirits.
Is that the voice of bitter experience Small Talk is hearing? Ah no, I just try to stay on the bottles, because I think pints are a bit too big and unwieldy, if you know what I mean.
Do you take much of an interest in what goes on in the world outside football? I do, yes. I have a lot of interests outside of football. There's a lot of time when I don't pick up the papers, certainly in the summer. I like to stay away from the back pages, stay away from football and stay away from voicing an opinion, because if I'm fed up with the sound of my own voice and my own opinions come May, then I'm sure the general public are as well. I always think it's nice to give people a break from me.
That's very considerate of you, we'll be off so. Goodbye Small Talk.
