My choice for captains: Alex Hleb, Pedro, and Victor Sánchez.
The reasoning being as follows -
Alex Hleb obviously has the greatest personality of our squad. In fact, Diario Sport conjectured that his signing was due to his resemblance to Luis Enrique, both in footballing quality and fiery character that accompanies both Asturian and Slavic blood. Imagine we were losing the most important match of the season with ten minutes to go. Hleb would no doubt inspire the team to a win by being a pragmatic sort of player, doing whatever is needed for the sort of tactical game being played and leading by example. For instance, if the opposing team was packing the defense with the midfield giving no space for Barça's characteristic "tikitaka" style, I have no doubt in my mind Hleb would blast a rocket shot from 30 yards out, leading Barça to the title.
Besides, he has been named countless times the best player of Belarus, undoubtedly the most powerful Empire of football, the hegemony of world football, aided by the superhero mutations their inhabitants have undergone after the Chernobyl accident 23 years ago.
Also, he would be a better captain than Puyol. Puyol can't even see his teammates with all his bushy hair covering his face. And with his poor sense of hairdressing, how could he inspire the team by example?
The 1st vice-captain should be Pedro. Mainly because he's an islander from Tenerife. Enough said. Vote for Pedro!
The 2nd vice-captain should be Victor Sánchez... if for nothing else, because he has probably the most stereotypically Hispanic name of all. Iniesta is too white. Whatever happened to affirmative action? Victor Sánchez is black compared to Iniesta.