I can imagine the conversation:
Koeman: Leo, let's cut to the chase. We want to make this team fast and hungry, like in the past... That game vs Bayern can't happen again. Ever.
Messi: Uhmm, ok... I'm listening.
Koeman: I know you don't wanna hear this... but we can't do it with the veterans playing as they did in the last few years.
Messi: I don't know what you're talking about, it's the managers. We're still the best, not our fault Bartomeu hired only bad managers. Since Pep, only Valverde understood and cared for us... on a deeply human level you know? Like, from the heart...
Koeman: I know but, listen, we have to let Suarez go...
Messi: What? I open up to you like this, and you give me shit? No fucking way. If he goes, I'll go. I'll give you Busi. Busi can go. Fuck him, never liked him much. This guy never scores. He told me once he only goes up in the box to see the play from close and be the first one to congratulate me when I save their asses.
Koeman: Busi heh? Ok, Busi, I'll take it. I wanted to use De Jong DM anyway. Now we're talking. Who else? Give me a good one now...
(thinks for 1 minute)
Messi: Braithwaite, he's a veteran.
Koeman: You're shitting me? I mean important players.
(thinks for another minute)
Messi: Ok, you can take Pjanic.
Koeman: But... he didn't even join the team.
Messi: Even better, tell him to stay in Turin. Don't bother coming.
Koeman: Can't do it man, have to be current players. The fans want at least 2 main ones. How about Alba?
Messi: Fuck no! He's the only one that gives me the ball. Take Pique, he said he wants to focus on Tennis more the other day, wants to revolutionize the Davis Cup. But don't tell him I said this. And Vidal. Fucker played much better in Copa America...
Koeman: Ok, so, Busi, Vidal, and Pique. Ok, man, I think I can just about sell it. Deal?
Messi: Deal. But don't touch Suarez or Alba. No monkey business, no shenanigans, be a man of your word. If you know what's best for you...
5 mins after, on a whatsapp group:
Leo: Jordi, Luis, I got you off fuckers. You owe me big time... Had to cut others though... needed to give him something, make him think he's won the argument.
Jordi: Who?
Leo: Geri and Arturo. Had to do it man.
Jordi: Can't believe he fell for Arturo. He's not even a real amigo. Ja ja ja.
Luis: Ha! You played him. Better than us. Btw, Sofia said she liked the sweater very much, the stitching is perfect, Anto is the best as usual.
Messi: Ok, I tell her. We're happy she liked it.
Alba: Ok, talk later.
Messi: Bye.
Luis: Bye.